Forever

Dear TL,

Today, while delegating my ‘Missouri-home’-chores to my awesome friends so I can be in Illinois at the hospital with my grandpa, I was reminded not to worry; “you’ll have your life forever, but not him.”

Irony? I don’t think so. Just a gentle reminder.

Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I wish you were here. Sometimes I wish wishes came true. Sometimes I’m glad they don’t. Sometimes I want you to see how beautiful and amazing the kids have become. Sometimes I hope you know you’re still in their heart. Sometimes I hope they’re still in yours. Sometimes I hope you know you’ll be in mine . . .

“Forever”.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy.

Whatever you wish for, I wish for you.

Happy Birthday.

41 and a day

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years”. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Thanks, friend.

I’m starting my Things-to-do-while-I’m-41 list now.

First things 40th

“Happy Birthday” ~ heard today by many friends and family members

So, what’s happy about it? And why is everyone bothering me with it?

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. If I didn’t have to pee so bad I probably wouldn’t have.

I’m not sad, I’m not mad, but I’m not happy either. I’m forty-freakin-one-years-old and I FEEL like it. BOO!

And all these people who are trying to be nice are making me feel like it’s a bad joke or something. Why do I feel like that? Like they keep wanting to rub in the fact that I’m OLD.

For the last 40 years and three hundred some-odd days, I have never ever not liked my birthday. In fact, I loved my birthday! My birthday wasn’t just one day, either…it was all 30 days of September.

That philosophy is lost on me.

Just prior to turning 40, I started living alone for the first time…ever. I basically had to start life over after the big divorce, which actually hasn’t proven to be easy, or bad, but still. So, with that, came a lot of “firsts” for me.

I had a lot of goals in mind; things I wanted to prove to myself (and others) that I was capable of doing this life on my own. I can’t say I didn’t accomplish anything this past year, but I can certainly say that my accomplishments weren’t exactly what I had in mind….check this…

I started my 40th year with an immune system that decided to go AWOL for 6 months. Ha ha, reeaal freakin funny. I spent the winter months under the influence of pneumonia. Never met it before, don’t care to ever see it again!

In the spring I was gifted with mono. Note to every teenager: pray for the ever-popular-”kissing disease” now, because it really sucks getting it when you’re 40! Not to mention, very bad on the self esteem!

Over the summer I had my very first root canal. Oh gee, that was a blast!

“I am a rock; I am an island. And a rock feels no pain; And an island never cries.“

Whatever.

The only physical bodily damage I’ve had in my life were stitches and 2 c-sections. Oh, but then 4 weeks ago I sprained my back. The doctor’s comment, “welcome to you’re 40′s”. I wanted to tell him where to go and take my 40′s with him, but I just thought it instead.

My back hurts worse today than it did when it happened. Maybe it’s just sympathy pains for my birthday, or maybe someone who hates me has their voodoo doll out trying to make sure I don’t enjoy my birthday. I don’t know, but it HURTS! Not mention, makes me walk like I’m 91, not 41.

Enter, “Happy Birthday” via phone call just now. The Pollyanna cheerfulness to all my well-wishers is wearing out.

Oh yea, and I was suppose to go see Kid Rock for the first time ever this summer, and that didn’t happen.

Am I being a snot? I mean, life is a precious gift, right? And I should be celebrating mine right now, right?

Maybe I should really think about not posting this blog and going back to bed.

Or maybe I should change my outlook, because really I’m not OLD….I’m, uh, just feeling a little stagnant. Or something like that.

Yes, world, it is my birthday, yes, I’m 41, and yes, I am cranky because I have finally reached a point where my body feels it’s age.

That, in and of itself, is a very tough reality.

Forget it. It is what it is.

I’ll just keep on walking with my head held high and start moving on to yet another unpredictable year-in-the-life-of-me. Blah.

P.S. Yes, I took my Lexapro every day this week. It is hereby proven not to prevent a) back pain, b) aging, or c) complaining about any of the above.

Happy Birthday Blog!

Dear Blog,

Happy Birthday!

My Space was growing old and I wasn’t spending much time with you (which was beginning to wreak havoc on my mind, by the way), so I got us some new digs! Hope you like!

I guess we should tell our new guests that there is no real theme for you, really, other than when things gets stuck in my head, the only way I can usually get them out is to write them.

Sharing these ramblings publicly is kind of scary; but after two years and no white-coat people showing up, I figured it was time for us to move on to bigger and better things.

Here’s to a new home and a fresh start! I hope this makes up for my recent neglect. I still love you, I need you in my life, and besides, if I can’t trust my dear blog, who can I trust?

Have an awesome day!

Let’s have cupcakes!

~ Me.