Lucky 13?

Almost four years ago my now-ex-husband departed my life for new adventures. Arguably,  the year following was the worst year of my life. I spent most of it alone, by choice. I spent most of my time in silence, thinking. In a very short time, I dropped almost 30 pounds and weighed just barely 90.

I looked sick. I was sick.

My whole world changed in one instant. My whole life was shattered and left to be found and put back together. By me. By myself. In the dark.

That instance, in and of itself, has made me stronger, and weaker. Today I can better see the light that shines, the positives I guess you could say, upon the ending of the bittersweet-marriage-that-wasn’t-meant-to-be.

But I struggle with that… because if it was such a good thing, why was it so painful? Good and positive things shouldn’t hurt. Especially like that.

I can’t deny that since that time, I have (and still sometimes do) feel more than a little lost. Too often I find myself curious as to why I still don’t have it all together. It’s not like I can come up with a real good reason not to.

Someone who endured a similar obstacle once told me that it takes 3-5 years to fully be relieved of the “pain” and be able to make larger steps in “moving on”. One more year. I hope it’s true.

Next week will mark the 13th anniversary of the marriage. Lucky? I don’t know about it. Thirteen has always been such a yuck number for superstitious me. However,  in this case,  I’m hoping, and watching, for more of those unexpected positives to show their face, because when they do, I feel lucky.

I said I wasn’t going to talk about depression on this blog. I lied. I also told  myself that I was not going to talk about my ex-husband, my marriage, or my divorce on this blog. I lied again. These things, no matter how negative in part they are, contribute to what makes me who I am today; therefore, I cannot allow them to be taboo.

My blog is my virtual diary. It’s key is to unlock my happiness. Part of that is to discover the mysteries of life that plague me no matter how rude, crude, positive or negative they may be. Unfortunately, the ending of my marriage is still one of them. My ex-husband? Well, he truly does make the world a better place. . . . . . Just not mine.