Just Sayin’

I had a fortune cookie the other day that said

“The first step to better times is to imagine them”. . .

. . . Soooo, I’m imagining a date with Prince Charming on Valentine’s Day, and I’m wearing this

(As seen in the January issue of Vogue Germany; Photo compliments Fashion Gone Rogue)

In with the new

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. ~ TS Eliot

So I got a little flirty with 2010 tonight, and, well, I guess you could say I’m a lot smitten by the beauty of a clean slate, and the vibrant light that illuminates the path toward not just a whole new year, but a whole new decade! It’s like the pages of a whole book left to be written, by me! By you! By us!

A fellow CO and I were talking tonight at work and somehow the topic turned to ME and how I should toss away all the darkness and bad memories of 2009 (and the last decade) before I ever walked back out through the airlock tonight. Basically what he was saying was that I should remove the old from my mind and leave it behind to be forever imprisoned serving its life sentence inside the gates of hell, where it rightfully belongs.

The irony of that was eerie, not to mention kind of goofy, but in my greatest effort to move forward toward finding happy, I tried it. Throughout the evening I sorted through my mind bringing forth those memories/people/things that drag me down the most. I then made a promise to myself to remember that these things are “dead” now. Gone. Left behind.

It’s not to say that I won’t still remember these things, because undoubtedly I will; however, as my CO friend told me, these things are part of the past, which is gone, so why let them affect you or your life now? Are they worth that much credit? Thought? Time? Are they worth the pain that you suffer over them? Hell no. Ok then, he said, stop giving them what they don’t deserve and start giving yourself what you deserve.

Daaaaamn, dude. This is good stuff! People pay lots of money for this. I’ve paid lots of money for this stuff!

Well, I’ve also tried to give that “Secret” idea another shot, you know “visualizing” so to speak. So as I walked out of the house and all the way down the hill, I spewed out hatred all over the walk (silently of course because people were around). He got thrown over one shoulder, while she got spit out over the other. On and on it went all the way down the hill, I totally beat the crap out of all those bad memories, and just….left them to their own devices.  The whole time I’m imagining all of it strewn about behind me freezing to death (more than I was) as I kept on walking away with my head held high.

I could see it clearly, but I never looked back.

Goodbye 2009.

Goodbye stupid people/places/things, etc.

Ironically again (and again a little eerie), just as I finished this little whatever-you-wanna-call-it, I walked through the airlock with a few co-workers, and the prison clock turned 12am.

Hello, 2010!

By 12:30am I had already found myself (very happily) out of my “norm”, at a friends home socializing, laughing, and having a very good time with a small group of CO friends. Not even once did a certain someone, or another certain someone, or a certain event, place, or time that has so frequently consumed my mind lately….cross my mind. Actually, not until I sat down here to write this.

Right now….it’s 3am and I’m so not lonely. I have my kids, my family, and my true friends in my heart; my girl (Chesney) by my side; and a brand new year holding my hand.

Its the first day of the rest of my life. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do FIRST !

Tomorrow it’s breakfast with some CO friends where she-who-got-popped-on-the-eye-by-the-flying-champagne-cork is making us waffles on her new waffle maker she got for Christmas…YUM.

After that, who knows….

Welcome aboard 2010, I think you’re going to do just fine.

Cheers Everyone!

Here’s to a HAPPY Year!

And so this is Christmas . . .

In spite of the fact that time went by entirely too fast, I had an awesome Christmas Eve morning with my family and my children.

My daughter, who never ceases to amaze me, reminded me in so many ways yesterday that she is her mother’s daughter. I’m scared of that, actually, because I don’t want her life to parallel mine. But I’m so proud of her for watching and learning from me, and for bringing my best qualities out in her own self. Merry Christmas, Momma!

A few months ago my son, daughter, and I were playing around for the camera, and it occurred to me just how ‘close’ we were. They were touching me. And it was ok with them that they were touching me. My daughter has never had a problem with this really, but my son went through the teenage boy stage where it was completely taboo to stand anywhere within 5 feet of his mother. As we laid there on the floor that day, I wondered if it were actually possible (or comfortable, since he’s a foot taller than me and all grown up now), if he would still sit in my lap and just talk, like old times. I think he would. I think us laying on the floor with his head on my tummy that day was the grown up version of that. I was going to mention it to him, but I figured it was one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments, so I kept it to myself, and savored it.

Yesterday when I decided it was mom/son camera time again, I sqeezed in between him and the Christmas tree, and plopped myself down on the floor next to him. Yea, it was a little too close for comfort. Maybe way close, and a lot uncomfortable. I actually had to wrap my leg funny so it was nearly crossing his, and I had to lean into him so as not to sit on the wrapped gifts and also because the tree branches were poking me. He knew this. He didn’t move. I almost asked him to scoot over a tad, but then I realized I was right in the midst of another one of those awesome moments. He was right where he was suppose to be, and so was I. Merry Christmas, Mommy.

My sister is home from California and looking more beautiful than ever. She greeted me with my ultimate Starbucks favorite, a fresh hot cup of Pumpkin Spice latte…YUM!

She brought her wild-ass new puppy with her and he’s sooo adorable. As a first time puppy mommy she has this little guy spoiled! Being a rescue dog and all, he deserves it, but still. He has a wardrobe, folks! I’m not sure my mom’s dog exactly liked the new puppy, but she dealt with him. Mostly because he shared his good treats and stuff. Chesney didn’t make the trip, but she LOVED her gifts my mom sent home. She hasn’t given her new ‘baby’ a rest yet.

My grandpa swears he didn’t say anything at all the night before about drinking lemonade with his cookies, so he has confirmed my sister and my mom to be senile. I’m not real sure what he thought about the sweaters with no sleeves, though. C’mon grandpa vests are in, you’ll look so stylin in those!

My mom is just amazing…getting up early to cook for all of us, and still staying sane (well, except for what grandpa says) while 7 humans and 2 dogs crowd her space. It shouldn’t have surprised me when she came through for me on the Christmas gifts I couldn’t afford to buy. But it did. I cried. My kids have an awesome grandma.

My dad did every man’s job on the holiday of running to the store at the last minute, just so his family could have corn with their Christmas dinner. In the pouring rain, even. Mashed potatoes just wouldn’t be the same without corn poured over them.

I can’t go without mentioning the gifts that I received from my daughter. She said they were gifts for my “new pad” so hopefully I would like it better. (Love that thought!). When my son was little his hair was funky and not exactly manageable, so I kept his hair cut short. Well, he decided at the age of about 3 that he wanted it to be long. So, I let it grow long. Then one Christmas his step mom did something(?) to it, I’m not sure exactly what(!) (aside from maybe gelling it and blowdrying it upside down), and had his picture taken. Well. He looked exactly like a little white kid version of Don King. I still can’t look at that picture without feeling sorry for him, and laughing my ass off at the same time. So, along with the beautiful “family” photo frame holding a photo of the three of us…which made me cry, she gave me some awesome glass photo coasters, each of which consists of a photo of the two of them together when they were babies. The last one in the box is the one that gave me the very much needed belly laugh that I haven’t had in so long. Perfect!

Kids, family, pets, love, tears, laughter, memories. I think I might have gotten the best gifts a girl could ask for this Christmas! It really is true that the best things in life are free. And that’s what Christmas should be.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

Merry Christmas, family and friends!

Cookies and Caffeine

I knew there was a reason I wanted to go to Boston!

Fancypants is there!!

Not only do I love Love LOVE the name of this bakery, I absolutely adore the beauty of their cookies! I could only DrEaM of making cookies look this good…and from what I gather, they taste as great as they look! YUM!

While I was window shopping through cyber-land, I also found these travel mugs that almost perfectly describe a cozy, peaceful evening  indulging in quality alone-time with a good book, good music, lots of cookies, and very chocolatey cocoa (followed by a big box of Cheez-its):

* * Note to Therapist:

That “weekend getaway” that I speak of? Well, of course my old ratty hand-made quilt is full of warmth and comfort! And Cheez-its ARE a delicious food! The fun and romance and being treated like a princess by the most gorgeous man…oh, come on, you know that stuff can only be written (it was one of Nora Roberts’ finest. She says it well, no?) And if the piano man from Augustana can take me to Boston through song, then he’s pretty damn good, too!

So, no. I do not lie in our sessions.

I’m Scrooged

The holidays are bringing me down. Way down. They need to just get over with already.

I’m homesick as hell. Even though I hated my old house, I hate Apartment 8 worse.

(cue Augustana’s piano-man…here) “I think I’ll go to Boston. I think that I’m just tired. I think I need a new life.”

Then there’s the fact that I know Santa isn’t coming this year…not just because Santa doesn’t visit 41 year olds, not just because I’m dead broke, but because I’m certain he will stay far away from Hoosier Nation. At least, he’d be smart to do that.

My Captain was awesome enough to let me off early last night so I could go to our work Christmas party. But I didn’t go. I came home, put on my dress, curled my hair (both very UNusual incidents for me), then I sat here for an hour listening to the thunder, lightening, hail, and whatever else it was doing. It didn’t stop. So I went to bed.

Mother Nature, you scrooged, too? Because you sure have been acting like it.

I slept hard for 10 hours straight (vs. my normal 7 with waking up every hour or so), and I woke up completely exhausted. I don’t get that.

All I want to do right now is lay in bed and watch “Love Actually”. But then I’d probably cry all day because, well just because that’s what that movie makes me do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enrSE6vRWRY

Why can’t I seem to find that in my life? Probably because men are pigs and that crap only happens in movies, right? Because men don’t tell the truth. Even at Christmastime.

Yesterday an Officer asked me if I was finally gaining weight. He said my pants were getting tighter. No stupid, my fucking uniforms are shrinking. Duh. I AM gaining my weight back finally(! after 4 years) and all that junk food IS going straight to my ass, exactly where I knew it would….why are you looking at my pants anyway??

I’ve got 4 hours to get out of this bitchy mood or 260 convicted felons + my partners are going to wish I didn’t come to work tonight……..as much as I’d like to NOT to have to work tonight.

Blah.

Return to Sender

Dear Miss Independent,

I wonder if you have forgotten that you are a forty-something-young lady who Santa stopped delivering to approximately 20 years ago…when you had your first child?

Don’t worry my friend, your Prince Charming will arrive someday, and he will shower you with all of the gifts that you wish for, and more. You don’t have to be a dater to find him because it is true what they say: “he will come when you’re not looking and when you  least expect it”.

However, I do suggest you run (don’t walk) to the nearest school for domesticating yourself and sign up for ‘accepting the right person to date 101′. It should be no problem to schedule that just before or after cooking-on-an-electric-stove 101.

Santa sees all, and yes I know that there are a lot of mean boys in this world. But do remember, just be nice to the gentlemen, Cupcake,  and they’ll be nice to you.  ;0)

I promise to send you joy and happiness throughout the season, but it’s up to you to catch them and take them in.

Thank you for continuing to believe in me, because I have always believed in you. Have a very Happy Holiday Season!!

Love,

Santa