Becoming the Exception. . .

. . .Not the Rule.

I need to learn this lesson. Bad.

So, I’ve tossed away my biggest denials of the movie and fears of reality (for two hours anyway) and on the big screen as I write is

Yep. I can so relate. The question is, will I learn the valuable lesson? Finally.

Rise Above

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” ~ Carrie Bradshaw

Smeared Mascara, why?

So I landed right smack in the middle of douchebaglandia again tonight when I received yet another idiotic message via a social network site where XLBF depicts me as something other than the princess I am and which he should be treating me like.

Delete him!

I DID!!

He’s no longer my “friend” on FB or MS, his number (which I did not have memorized) and all his text messages are deleted from my phone, and the only photographs now present in my home are of his boys.

So?

Why is he every garbage man that I see?

Why is he every white car I pass on the road?

Why does his beautiful innocent face still remind me of the sweetest boyfriend, when I know that internally his steel heart screams that he is the biggest ass on the planet?

Why does every part of me still go numb at the thought of him?

Why am I still freakishly upset over this boy?

Why am I sad??????

I have no freaking idea!!!!!

It’s pathetic!!

“I was playing wii with my brother”, was his reply after I drove 70 miles to see him and he didn’t respond to my calls or texts, even knowing I was in town…to see him. “You should have just come over”.

Honey, homeboy is just not that into.

Well, duh.

So, get over it!!

Why is that easier said than done? With all the cruel and unusual punishment I’ve taken from him, why the hell am I SO sad????

******

So what do I do when I find myself in the middle of these sad moments I can’t get out of? I think of something funny. . .

A couple of weeks ago, I vented about XLBF on my Myspace blog. A friend commented that XLBF was a douchebag and that I deserve better. True statement.

The next day XLBF’s son, (who is 9!!!!), wrote his status as “Merry Christmas Douchebags”.

Seriously. I thought I would puke. Since neither mom or dad had apparently taken the responsibility of  informing Mr. Nine Year Old that this was inappropriate, I took it upon myself to comment back, “that’s not nice”.

Soon thereafter, his comment was gone. And so was my blog AND all related comments.

That’s not really funny, is it?

Well. That’s all I have to say about that.

In with the new

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning. ~ TS Eliot

So I got a little flirty with 2010 tonight, and, well, I guess you could say I’m a lot smitten by the beauty of a clean slate, and the vibrant light that illuminates the path toward not just a whole new year, but a whole new decade! It’s like the pages of a whole book left to be written, by me! By you! By us!

A fellow CO and I were talking tonight at work and somehow the topic turned to ME and how I should toss away all the darkness and bad memories of 2009 (and the last decade) before I ever walked back out through the airlock tonight. Basically what he was saying was that I should remove the old from my mind and leave it behind to be forever imprisoned serving its life sentence inside the gates of hell, where it rightfully belongs.

The irony of that was eerie, not to mention kind of goofy, but in my greatest effort to move forward toward finding happy, I tried it. Throughout the evening I sorted through my mind bringing forth those memories/people/things that drag me down the most. I then made a promise to myself to remember that these things are “dead” now. Gone. Left behind.

It’s not to say that I won’t still remember these things, because undoubtedly I will; however, as my CO friend told me, these things are part of the past, which is gone, so why let them affect you or your life now? Are they worth that much credit? Thought? Time? Are they worth the pain that you suffer over them? Hell no. Ok then, he said, stop giving them what they don’t deserve and start giving yourself what you deserve.

Daaaaamn, dude. This is good stuff! People pay lots of money for this. I’ve paid lots of money for this stuff!

Well, I’ve also tried to give that “Secret” idea another shot, you know “visualizing” so to speak. So as I walked out of the house and all the way down the hill, I spewed out hatred all over the walk (silently of course because people were around). He got thrown over one shoulder, while she got spit out over the other. On and on it went all the way down the hill, I totally beat the crap out of all those bad memories, and just….left them to their own devices.  The whole time I’m imagining all of it strewn about behind me freezing to death (more than I was) as I kept on walking away with my head held high.

I could see it clearly, but I never looked back.

Goodbye 2009.

Goodbye stupid people/places/things, etc.

Ironically again (and again a little eerie), just as I finished this little whatever-you-wanna-call-it, I walked through the airlock with a few co-workers, and the prison clock turned 12am.

Hello, 2010!

By 12:30am I had already found myself (very happily) out of my “norm”, at a friends home socializing, laughing, and having a very good time with a small group of CO friends. Not even once did a certain someone, or another certain someone, or a certain event, place, or time that has so frequently consumed my mind lately….cross my mind. Actually, not until I sat down here to write this.

Right now….it’s 3am and I’m so not lonely. I have my kids, my family, and my true friends in my heart; my girl (Chesney) by my side; and a brand new year holding my hand.

Its the first day of the rest of my life. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do FIRST !

Tomorrow it’s breakfast with some CO friends where she-who-got-popped-on-the-eye-by-the-flying-champagne-cork is making us waffles on her new waffle maker she got for Christmas…YUM.

After that, who knows….

Welcome aboard 2010, I think you’re going to do just fine.

Cheers Everyone!

Here’s to a HAPPY Year!