Love Stinks!

My Facebook status a few days ago:

“Valentines Day is showing up (eh…more like THROWING UP) all over the freakin place. This is one holiday I can’t stand!!!!!

A male co-worker friend of mine was brave enough to chime in with all the women who agreed with and “liked” my status and said:

“Damn….feel the hate……I thought this was a new year?

I replied:

Oh (co-worker) tell me you like it any more than I do….and I’ll call you a liar. It’s dumb! And of course it’s a new year…but no one said I had to love “LOVE”. 

Trust me. If there’s anything in this world that I know, I know one thing fo sho, LOVE STINKS!!! (And, yea yea, it does make you cry!) So? In spite of the new year and the fact that “love” is suppose to be one of my ‘words of the year’ that I work on doing better….I still don’t love “LOVE”. (It’s still January, people. I need time! Jeesh.)

Go ahead Sandler, tell’em exactly how I feel about that stupid “L” word (with the exception of one minor disagreement…cake is not stupid…unless it’s ‘Cupcake’. Just sayin)

Smeared Mascara, why?

So I landed right smack in the middle of douchebaglandia again tonight when I received yet another idiotic message via a social network site where XLBF depicts me as something other than the princess I am and which he should be treating me like.

Delete him!

I DID!!

He’s no longer my “friend” on FB or MS, his number (which I did not have memorized) and all his text messages are deleted from my phone, and the only photographs now present in my home are of his boys.

So?

Why is he every garbage man that I see?

Why is he every white car I pass on the road?

Why does his beautiful innocent face still remind me of the sweetest boyfriend, when I know that internally his steel heart screams that he is the biggest ass on the planet?

Why does every part of me still go numb at the thought of him?

Why am I still freakishly upset over this boy?

Why am I sad??????

I have no freaking idea!!!!!

It’s pathetic!!

“I was playing wii with my brother”, was his reply after I drove 70 miles to see him and he didn’t respond to my calls or texts, even knowing I was in town…to see him. “You should have just come over”.

Honey, homeboy is just not that into.

Well, duh.

So, get over it!!

Why is that easier said than done? With all the cruel and unusual punishment I’ve taken from him, why the hell am I SO sad????

******

So what do I do when I find myself in the middle of these sad moments I can’t get out of? I think of something funny. . .

A couple of weeks ago, I vented about XLBF on my Myspace blog. A friend commented that XLBF was a douchebag and that I deserve better. True statement.

The next day XLBF’s son, (who is 9!!!!), wrote his status as “Merry Christmas Douchebags”.

Seriously. I thought I would puke. Since neither mom or dad had apparently taken the responsibility of  informing Mr. Nine Year Old that this was inappropriate, I took it upon myself to comment back, “that’s not nice”.

Soon thereafter, his comment was gone. And so was my blog AND all related comments.

That’s not really funny, is it?

Well. That’s all I have to say about that.

Relation Ship Sunk

Okay well, it’s no joke, and no secret, that I have been feeling a little…okay, a lot…unsettled lately.

If you didn’t know just ask my lovely partner at work, who so freakin blatantly reminds me of it on a regular basis. I actually do like the guy, but damn. (He’s a man, and men are pigs, so I let him pass; but jeezo dude, manners?)

There are times in our life when we have to take inventory of the people in our life and realize who is important enough to keep, and who should be left behind. I’m at one of those times right now, and this is very difficult for me. I’m not good at “letting go”. In fact, I really suck at it.

There’s a few people I should have left behind a way long time ago. There’s a few people I should leave behind, but can’t. And there’s one in particular person who I really don’t wanna leave behind, but he’s left me no choice.

Case in point; he didn’t answer my calls, or my texts, or my emails after I drove 70 miles to see him WHY? Because he “was playing wii”. That felt fan-fucking-tastic, love. Were you wearing those Jordans while playing wii, too?

“Helllooooo, you are SO un-important in this guy’s life so why is he so important in yours?” Ouch again. (yea, a co-worker. different one this time).

But really, that’s a good question. Very good question. And I don’t have a good answer. I don’t even have a bad answer anymore.

*sigh*.

So, last week I thought it was insanely childish when someone un-friended me from their myspace and facebook, right? Well yesterday, I did that…to-he-who-loves-his-wii-more-than-me, and it felt pretty damn good. (Now if the person that deleted me felt so good after doing so, then I would be pissed all over again. Just sayin. It’s not suppose to work like that.)

Ok, well, here’s the hardest part. Not only did I delete him from my space, I made the decision to delete him from my life, too. Yep, I did that. Finally. After almost two years. It made me sad. It made me cry. A lot. And … it made me puke. Seriously. But I did it. I had to.

Yes, I know I should have deleted him around about the time of whole chili incident, but you know. People deserve chances, right? I just gave him a few extra tries, that’s all.

(*Note, yes, “he” is the same “he” who was LBF, who was suppose to change to XLBF quite some time ago. Well, now it’s happened. Officially, I mean.)

(*Another Note, chili reference = Jordans reference above. Long story, deleted from this blog already, because it made me look a little … okay, a lot … psychotic).

Life has not been grand for me lately for a lot of reasons. But now that I’m suppose to be creating a new life (in this stupid new apartment) I know that one thing I definitely don’t need in my life is someone who I care about causing me to think less of myself than I already do. And I told him exactly that. Probably he didn’t hear it because probably he was playing wii or something…but at least I said it.

And I felt like I had to say it here so those of you who read the crap I write about, but haven’t asked already…now know what my “fucking problem” has been lately, too.

The good part of all of it (if there is such a thing as good in something like this) is that I’ve decided that I pretty much can’t stand this funk I’m in any more! The ever-so intense feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, not to mention extreme confusion, are exhausting the hell out of me! I want happy-ness in my life so bad I can’t stand it. I crave it, desire it, and I’m so ready for it to happen.

A while back I wrote a letter to a friend who was down and out on just about everything in her life. Recently I opened my email and she had sent the exact same letter back to me after my ongoing poutfest pity party bout of sadness…

. . .”Life is too short for you to spend it doing nothing but being sad. No one is going to sit around at our funeral talking about all the things we didn’t do. So blow your snotty nose, get those damn mascara stains off your face,  and get out there and make a life. Make a life you love. Live it. Live it outloud. Be Happy. Just, Be.”

And since listening to my own advice is on my newly revised life agenda,

I can do this.

Because I like *things* stuck in my head

THIS is exactly what I’m talking about. . . things that make you ‘think’.

(From my email box this morning)

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that care for you to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” ~ Wayne Dyer.

Seriously, huh? Well. Hm.

So, what you’re saying, Mr. Dyer, is that it’s ok for LBF to text a girl right in front of me, but I can’t “insist” on knowing who she is…because that would have “satisfied” me. Maybe. Well, after I read the texts, too, of course. And asked a few questions. And got a few answers. And…

Hmph.

Yea, let’s.